


trying hard not to fall

by amazingkamisnotonfire



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Youtube RPF
Genre: Characters Reading Fanfiction, Crushes, Dan gets curious, Developing Relationship, Domestic, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Irony, M/M, Meta, Shipper!Dan, Shipper!Dan Howell, Shipping, Tumblr, YouTube, based on another fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-06-03 00:56:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6590143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amazingkamisnotonfire/pseuds/amazingkamisnotonfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan becomes a Phan shipper. Kind of. He only hopes Phil won't find out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dan has made a huge mistake.

I mean, he did some, no- scratch that, he did _a lot_ of stupid shit before but this? This is a fucking trainwreck.

Dan hadn’t meant to do it, okay? It just happened. It was 3am and he was tired and hungry and a little bit curious.

He accidentally stalked the Phan tag. Yep, he did. He had fallen into the rabbit hole that is hashtag Phan and now he can’t get out.

It was just out of _curiosity_ , that’s all. He knows how many people ships him and Phil. He hadn’t met any person in the fandom who isn’t a Phan shipper. He isn’t… bothered about it. The truth is, he kind of appreciates it. The way so many people write and tell everyone that they are, in fact, in a relationship and is butt-fucking each other when the cameras aren’t around as if they know them. Amazing.

But… he gets kind of curious, sometimes. Literally every single comments on their channel (whether it’s Phil’s or his. Don’t get me started on their gaming channel.) is about how they are so domestic and homo and very much in love. Once, he even read a comment that says something like this: “Look, I don’t really like shipping real people. Personally, I think it’s weird. But with Dan and Phil… it’s like they don’t give us much of a choice. It’s inevitable.”

He wants to find out WHY and HOW.

Phil is his best friend, that's it. Everyone knows that. There would be no Phil without Dan. And there would definitely no Dan without Phil. He loves Phil. Platonically, of course. Phil is... special.

But to others, it was more than just being friends. They’re totally convinced that he and Phil were in love and it's really fucking strange. He just wants to find out, alright? So there. It was just one time thing, honestly. Maybe find a blog or two dedicated as to why they ship Phan and how did they come to that crazy delusion. There are blogs like that, he swears.

But… every night he finds himself checking the Phan tag quite frequently. Quite.

It was interesting.. he’d say. There are a lots of cool stuff. Some cool fanarts and drawings there. He even saved some for their book. There are even cosplays of them, how awesome is that? But some of them can be quite… explicit. He doesn't want to talk about and thought about bleaching his own eyes

Dan sighs and squints his eyes at his phone. He checks time; But he had to stop cause Tumblr is having a meltdown. Apparently, he subconsciously liked some Phan-related stuff without him knowing him. Real smooth, Dan. “Shit,” He whispered, eyes filled with panic. ”Fucking shit. Dan, you’re so stupid, Jesus.”

“What shitty excuse can I come up with in 3am?” He wondered aloud. Suddenly, a really stupid idea (lie) came to him. He typed as quickly as he could.

_‘woops. sorry about that ppl. don’t worry i am not hacked. i’m just looking for ideas on a video and saving them for the time being’_

_‘you can stop freaking out now’_ He quickly added to the tweet.

Dan paused and thought about just how stupid that sounded. He shrugged and let the whole tumblr explode once again. He yawned and felt his eyes slowly drooping. Oh well, he can continue this tomorrow. But he made a mental note to make an anonymous tumblr account tomorrow so that he could actually scroll through the tag without the fear of millions of teenagers’ keen observations and stalkerish skills. Dan outwardly groaned on that. Why is he so weird? He thought before dropping his face on the pillow and letting sleep consume him.

\---

By the morning, he woke up and did the daily routine with Phil- eating cereal, watching anime, generally being the laziest and unproductive shits together. The usual. Good thing they don’t have work today, he could really use a break. 

“Hey, Dan.” Phil called, eyes glued on the telly. Dan grunts from where he was sitting, doing his famous browsing pose. 

“Saw what you tweeted last night,” Dan tensed up and stop scrolling. “Do you have some ideas then? I feel like I have a youtuber’s block.” Phil mused. 

Dan continued scrolling but his mind is fully focused on Phil now, panic slowly pumping his veins. “Youtuber’s block? The hell is that?” He tried to respond the Dan way, generally ignoring the more profound part and focusing on the bullshit part. 

Phil chuckled and faced him. “Yeah, it’s like writer’s block but it happens to youtubers.” Phil grinned like this was his proudest moment. 

Dan rolled his eyes and snorted. “Sure, Phil.” He sat more comfortably and silently thank the gods because he just received the email confirmation for other tumblr account he was preparing for his Phan-tag stalking. What even is his life? “And anyway, to answer your question, nope. Absolutely nothing.” 

“Oh, welp.” Phil replied. “I’m hungry.” Phil added in an afterthought. 

Dan snorted fondly. “You’re always hungry” He pointed out.  “That’s true.” Phil grinned, getting up to probably eat a box of cereal without milk. 

Dan rolled his eyes, still smiling fondly. Typical Phil.

He put on his headphones and played some Muse and get himself into a more comfortable position. The famous ‘browsing pose.’ He clicked on Tumblr and followed some of the famous Phan-related accounts and stalked their accounts. There’s one account who make Phan crack videos. Dan enjoyed them so much, he watched all 8. He also saved some really cool fanarts and edits and saved them on his **_DO NOT CLICK_** folder. Recurring memory of his old website came to him, he cringed outwardly and continued scrolling. There's a particular post that caught his eye. "Why I ship Phan..." Dan read the words quietly. He did the stupidest thing he ever did; he clicked it.

The rant has been over 100 words only. Dan raised his eyebrow- he expected a really long and insightful scrutiny. He shrugged and started to read.

_ "Okay, so I know a lot of people is sick of the phandom (lolzor) but let me tell you why I think Dan and Phil are the best people ever and why you should never judge someone based on their fandom. For years we are known to be crazy and weird and stalkerish and that's cool - I admit we are pretty cray but lemme just tell you why Dan and Phil are so underrated. They are literally one of those few youtubers who don't only talk about themselves and their interests. They try to include us the phandom as much as possible in their vids and thats fucking amazing seriously these two. They saved my life- a couple of times. I've had depression and anxiety for 5 years now and they're on of the few people that keeps me going. They may never know me but that's okay cause I know how much they appreciate each one of us- and they ever fail to show that." _

Dan was smiling softly. his heart full and suddenly his day is much. much brighter. It was nice to have this kind of effect on people- to finally contribute something in this society even if it seems insignificant to others. He continued reading, eager for more.

_"SO PHAN. I know it's a lil weird to be shipping real ppl but seriously have you watched their vids??? I'm not saying they're gay or anything (whatever their sexuality is- I accept it no matter what) but it's just... Dan and Phil. They make each other so happy. When it's the two of them you never get bored because they make everything so bright and happy and just.. a part of their world. I don't ship phan because they're cute together... I ship phan because the way they look at each other is the look I don't think I'm worthy enough to be given. I'm still amazed as to why they're not falling in love... living with someone so beautiful and generally such a great person. I'm surprised really. I'm not forcing them to be together- GOD NO thatd be horrible but I just hope they'd realise that they're meant to be for each other."_

Meant to be...

Dan shut his laptop close and stares blankly on the ceiling, feeling indifferent. He closes his eyes and recalled all those adventures he's had with Phil- the radio show, Japan, the book and the tour, being one of the most prominent Youtubers today.

And he did it all, achieved it all, with Phil. He had been his stepping stones. He smiled unknown to himself.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

For the following days, Dan had been on the Tumblr more than usual. He became part of the actual Phandom. He takes part on making edits (mostly memes) and some fanarts when he’s bored. It’s strange, becoming part of your own fandom. Though, it’s not like this is the strangest thing Dan ever did. 

 

Today, he’s having a particularly bad day because he can’t fucking complete the Phan gifset. The gif he got from other accounts doesn’t fit on entire fucking thing. Dan groans, and stared on his shitty work in dismay. He does know a video in which he can get the gif… but he’s not sure if that’s a good idea. 

 

Whatever, he’s tired and sleepy and anonymous on Tumblr. What could possible go wrong?

 

Dan minimized the tab and went to his files, finding the folder that says  **_some shit_ ** , he clicked it and searched through the bunch of videos that didn’t make it to the actual videos he posts. He clicked on the  **_some bloopers on the pinof_ ** folder. He gulped and watched and shook his head at their stupidity.  _ There it is…  _ Dan thought.

 

_ “Right, so moving on. I-” Dan stopped abruptly as his hands brushed Phil’s. He blushed and looked at the man, who is staring at their hands, smiling slightly. Dan cleared his throat and continued talking, Phil’s hands still on the top of him. _

 

Dan stopped the video and took a deep breath. He quickly edited the video and gif-ed the whole shit. The gif doesn’t actually showed that two of them, just the two of them holding-hands… almost but the context is obviously there. It fit perfectly for his edit. Dan posted it on his Tumblr with a Fall Out Boy song lyrics, one of his favourite songs. The Phandom agrees.

  
  


_ and in the end _

_ i’d do it all again _

_ i think you’re my bestfriend _

  
  


Dan sighed. That was like mental torture. 

 

He watched as the post quickly gained 50 notes. He smirked and closed his eyes.

 

“Hey, Dan.”

 

“Jesus on a pogo stic- PHIL.” Dan nearly had a heart attack. Scrambling, he quickly shut his Mac close and stood quickly, his eyes darting wildly to Phil and his laptop in panic. Phil’s laughing like a lunatic.

 

“Oh my go-” Phil snorted and laughed again. “That was-” More laughing. “I can’t believ-”

 

“Phil, are you okay. I’m worried, really.” Dan said this, putting on his best bitch face but his heart’s still pounding like a wild cat on the loose.

 

“I can’t believe that got you! Oh my god!” Phil’s panting-slash-laughing.

 

5 minutes later, Phil calmed down...finally. He said that he actually came to film the Phil is not on fire 7, not to scare Dan or whatsoever. On Dan’s defence, he wasn’t scared. He’s had his eyes closed and Phil can sometimes soundless if he tried. Only if it doesn’t clash with Dan’s cunning abilities.

 

He just had a mild freak out because he was editing a Phan gifset, okay? It’s not weird, right? Oh Jesus, what would Phil say if he finds out?

 

Anyway, Dan decided not to to do the video. Mainly because he wants the fans to suffer.

He grinned and checked his Tumblr. Dan’s eyes went wide. 

 

Almost 6000 notes and he’s got more than 300 asks. He then realised just how profoundly colossal of what he just did. 

 

**ISHNAYDBAAHYWBEUD OMFG THAT LAST ONE**

 

**I HAVENT SEEN THAT IN bEFORE**

 

**I LOVE DYING AND BEING DEAD :-----)**

 

**WHERE DID U GET THAT SOURCE PLZ IM FREAKING OUTANUABAJAHBS**

  
  


**don’t cry**

  
  
  
  
  
  


**craft**

 

**((no but srsly wtf is this))**

 

This one actually made him laugh, even though he just caused an entire fucking meltdown in Tumblr and his eyes wide with fear and panic.

 

**YOURE EITHER DAN OR PHIL AREN T YOU**

 

“Oh my fucking fuck.” Was all the words he could muster. He quickly scrambles, hitting his feet on the coffee table in the process (also, ow!), and typed a new post. 

 

_ 'oh woops. sorry about that!! i got that from somewhere here on tumblr. dont know where it comes from, either. soz lol' _

 

After that, he becomes a Tumblr famous. Yes, it escalated  _ that _ quickly. He started becoming more and more active on his fan account rather than his actual account. It’s quite funny actually: sometimes what he posts has inside jokes on them, the ones that their videos doesn’t show. Dan sometimes feels superior that he’s the only one who can understand them.

 

But he still doesn’t forget that he’s Daniel James Howell, and Phan is not real. He does admit that he gets carried away sometimes.

 

Like this one time when he saw this video. This time, it’s serious business… and he didn’t mean that as a meme. Dan has seen a lot of Phan videos made by fans. Some of them are creative and some of them are cringe-worthy. For example, the The Fault in Our Stars inspired video… now that was really worth of flinching.

 

But this? This is actually incredibly ridiculous. 

 

It was a video of him and Phil (surprise, surprise) Specifically, a compilation of him and Phil’s  _ domesticity _ and the  _ ‘actual proof that they’re married af’ _ When he first clicked the link, Dan had to laugh a bit and roll his eyes because of how ridiculous it sounds. He had to hide his surprise because it’s more than 25 minutes long but he figured it’ll be one of those dumb and unreliable conspiracies of his and Phil’s relationship.

 

He is so, so wrong.

 

It wasn’t the usual and actual proofs and evidences, it was just little moments and pointless arguments between the two of them.

 

There was one clip where he were waiting for Phil to wake up so that they could eat and watch anime together. 

 

_ Apparently that’s platonic and friendly as fuck.  _ One commented. [On his defence, it was a house system and they had to follow it to have a united society.

 

There’s also this clip from the video from the two of them called  _ PUNK EDITS IN REAL LIFE!  _ where Dan and Phil wore fake piercings and sticker tattoos to look ‘punk’ and ‘edgy’

 

_ dan: *makes a video about personal space* _

 

_ dan: *is fine with phil to literally touch his neck* _

 

_ dan dear do you even watch your own videos _

 

“Hey, on my defence-” Dan’s gaze darts back to the video. “... okay, touché.”

 

And there was  _ this _ one. This one particular scene where he was looking at Phil. I mean, he always looks at Phil, yes. But this one, it’s… it’s different.

 

It’s different because he doesn’t recognise it. Not one a bit.

 

He was.. looking at Phil like he was looking at the goddamn sun and he was slightly breathless and his eyes dilated and  _ what the actual fuck is this- _

 

Dan shut his laptop close. It was like watching a phantom him eye-sex his goddamn best friend. What the shit was that? Dan closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, trying to rationalize what the  _ fuck _ he had just gotten himself into. “Jesus Christ…” he whispers. “Okay, okay, okay… God.”

 

Why had he even clicked the tag?!

  
“Fuck this shit, I’m out.” Dan half sings and half grumbled. “No, I’m literally never going to go back into this tag.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, I don't even know. I apologise.
> 
> Leave a kudos/comment... I guess.
> 
> -Kam


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to mew_blueberry! Thank you for your help fren *-* 
> 
> Anyway, I hope y'all would like this. Please leave a kudos or comment as it makes me very, very happy and motivated :D
> 
> I have Troye Sivan's songs on repeat while writing this one and I think it's a really cute/funny chapter... I think. 
> 
> On to the chapter! :)

Dan is sat on the couch, his face concentrated on the screen, making few last touches in editing his latest video. His vow to stay off that side of Tumblr has gone pretty well if you count, staring at his phone anxiously and literally being scared just thinking about Phil like that ....well, he’s doing fantastic. 

He sighs carefully, brows furrowed and lips forming a thin line. “Maybe I should… yeah.”

“Hey.” Phil suddenly walks in, setting down his mug on the table.

“Sup.” Dan quips. As soon as he said that, Dan has the overwhelming urge to smack himself. 

After five minutes at least, Dan finally finished editing the video and is flopped down on the couch with Phil, watching re-runs of Parasyte for the nth time this week. It was just so funny and strange and exactly like Phil’s type. “Hey, uh… Dan?”

“Hmm?” Dan hums, his eyes still fixed on anime. 

“Uh, hypothetically speaking…” Phil started, making Dan look at him quickly, looking unsure but curious. “What would you do if you, uh… fall in love with your best friend?” Phil stares, looking genuinely curious of what he has to say. Dan could only stare at him back, his mind blank and his heart hammering in his chest. What the hell even?

“That is very… random,” Dan tries to mask the quiver in his voice. “And out of the blue. You uh, you okay Phil?”

“Yeah, I’m just wondering, y’know?” Phil shrugged. He returns his attention to watching but subtly hints that he’s still waiting for the answer by lowering the volume of the telly.

Dan is still staring at the back of Phil’s head, trying to figure his out. Suddenly, he spoke, saying things he didn’t know he even thought about. “Well, I guess, I’ll just tell them. I gotta take risks, you know what I’m saying? Even though, it’ll probably destroy our friendship, it’ll be worth it… I hope.” He shrugged and muttered an ‘idk’ under his breath, diverting his attention to watching anime.

“Mhm-hmm.” Phil nodded, seemingly agreeing with Dan. Dan could only mildly gape at him, his brain trying to figure out what the hell he is on about.

“Uh, why did you ask?” Dan tried to sound nonchalant and casual but his high-pitched voice betrayed him. He cringed inwardly.

“Nothing. Just curious.” Phil did one of those small smile which looks so genuine and innocent, Dan knew he had to be suspicious.

“Uh-huh, sure.” Dan rolled his eyes.

“Swear! I read this Ereri fanfic where they’re like, friends, I know it’s weird,” Phil laughs. “And they finally confessed their love but Levi walked away. So, it’s all sad and stuff. I’m just wondering if that could be possible.” He shrugs.

“Okay, first off: why were you reading an Ereri fanfic? Also dm me the link,” Phil chuckled. “Secondly, what’s /not/ possible? Like, falling in love with your bestfriend or…?” Dan regretted saying that last one. It was like… suggesting something.

“Some fan suggested it!” Phil laughed. “But no, what I meant is how could you reject someone when they’re genuinely telling you they like you! It’s rude.” 

“Like, hypothetically, if I confess my love to you, you won’t reject me?” Dan says carefully, his eye twitching with every word he’s saying.

‘JAMES. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING. STOP RIGHT NOW.’ His inner monologue screamed at him. 

“Yeah!” Dan feels even worse because Phil agrees with him. “I won’t reject you, Dan. You’re ny best friend.” Phil smiles at him.

Dan immediately looks away but laughed nervously. “I guess some people just have commitment issues, Phil.”

Phil hums. “Yeah.”

Dan’s eye twitched again. ‘Fuck,’ He thought. That’s putting it eloquently. 

***

Five hours earlier…

Phil was sat on his dimlit room, scrolling through Tumblr after just reading fanfic recommendation from a fellow Attack on Titan fan. He really loves his Phandom. They’re all swaggy. 

He stops scrolling when he saw a post that a fan that he’s following of reblogged. It was an edit of him and Dan, an aesthetic edit, even. 

Now normally, Phil wouldn’t be bothered by this. He’s seen a lot of weird and actually impressive edits and fanarts of him and his best friend. He shouldn’t be bothered, right?

Except that it’s a gif of them doing something, in a clip he knows they didn’t publish. 

Phil can be forgetful most of the times but he keeps tracks of every video, every clip, and every radio show he (or Dan) ever publish. He knows everything he posts.

And he knows that he or Dan never published this. 

He squints his eyes at the edit and decided that smartest thing to do is to go anonymous and message the person behind this blog and ask them where they took the gif. He logged in to his other account and emailed the person behind the blog.

Phil can only hope that Dan wouldn't see this.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Featuring Troye Sivan's song Wild, which is my title inspiration. If you don't know him oh god please check him out he's mybaby I just love him so much okay hes amazing

“Hurry the f up!” Dan yelled at Phil from their lounge. He tapped his foot impatiently and looked at his wristwatch. Curse Phil’s nap and his own procrastination (cough, _laziness_ , cough) for forgetting one of the most important event they’re awaiting this month, VidCon. For fuck’s sake, they had come from London for this. But Dan had been enthusiastic with this because they’re all expecting a huge number in this con.

 

“Just a sec!” Phil replied, his voice muffled.  Dan just shook his head, muttering a weary ‘Jesus Christ’

 

He heard a pair of heavy footsteps and a small yelp. He probably tripped on his own feet. Dan felt his lips tug slightly. Typical Phil.

 

“All good!” Phil bounced at his feet, grinning. Dan quickly eyed, no… _scanned_ him from head to toe. He averted his eyes quickly, ignoring the lump on his throat. “Right, let’s go.” He mumbled.

 

***

 

Dan was sat on one of those really comfy chairs, his hands slightly sweaty and his damp hair swept back but he wears his best smile, with Troye’s lovely voice filled the whole convention center. He really genuinely enjoyed sitting through that one even if the fans were a little too loud- he loved seeing them with the biggest grins on their faces. Dan liked knowing that he made those people happy… like he made someone else happy. That’s a really huge thing for him.

 

“That was… wow,” Phil breathed, chuckling lowly. His eyes were sparkling and his smile are soft.

 

“Couldn’t have said it better,” Dan laughs. He sighs happily. “I can’t believe so many people are here, oh my god,” Dan put his palms on his cheeks, his smile wide.

 

“I know, I almost wet my pants halfway through,” Phil jokes, his tongue resting between his teeth. Dan laughs loudly.

 

_Cause there’s still, ‘too long for the weekend’_

_‘Too long ‘till I drown in your hands’_

_‘Too long since I’ve been a fool, yeah’_

 

“You didn’t.”

 

“I didn’t,” Phil laughs.

 

“Oh, thank God.” They both laugh.

 

There was a pause that settled between them then very gingerly, Phil said, “Do you think.. we’ll do this forever?” His voice sounded far-away.

 

“Huh?” Dan answered intelligently.

 

“Like, being Youtubers forever.” Phil finally looked at him. His face hidden against the bright, flashing lights… but Dan could see him. It was him all Dan could see. His ocean-blue eyes looks even bright and full of glow.

 

_Leave this blue neigbourhood_

_Never knew loving could hurt this good, oh_

_And it drives me wild_

_‘Cause when you look like that_

_I never, ever wanted to be so bad, oh_

_And it drives me wild_

 

Usually, Dan hates talking about the future. It gives him massive existential crisis. He’s not remotely religious in any way but he firmly believes in the verse, “Don’t worry about tomorrow for it has enough to worry on its own.”

 

Dan hasn’t had a best friend for the first eighteen years and then suddenly, the universe decided that he was worthy enough to have a Phil Lester in his life. The same Phil Lester who sweeps into his life and steers him in the right direction. The same Phil Lester who became this older, dependable friend yet he can still relate with Dan.

 

But a future with Phil? Scary, but he’d rather be with it than in anything.

 

Dan smiles very softly and looked at the fans outside. “I’m up for it.”

 

Then his gaze fell to Phil, while Troye gently singing from the stage. Dan _cannot_ express how thankful he is for Phil. Phil just makes everything better. He was the best friend he ever had and Dan may not have one of those before but he sure is glad it was Phil.

 

Phil turns his head and stares at Dan directly. Dan knows he should look away, like he always do but he can’t.

 

He can’t. He also knows his heart shouldn't beat so fast he feels like it would fall out of his chest, he knows that he just ate three minutes ago yet his stomach won't stop fluttering, he also knows that there's enough oxygen in this room yet he can't breathe. 

 

Dan also knows that he shouldn't do any of these, yet it does all of it.

_You make my heart shake, bend, and break_

_But I can’t turn away and it’s driving me wild_

_You’e driving me wild_

 

And fuck it, he’s so damned.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, it's rushed. I don't have a good excuse for that lel.
> 
> Leave a kudos/comment? :D
> 
> -Kam

**Author's Note:**

> come scream about phan with me on tumblr! my url is kamwashere <3


End file.
